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Think of Homer’s odyssey (not Simpson), Dr Richard Kimble’s quest to find the one armed man in the Fugitive, or attempting to join the SAS.

These are all childs play when compared with finding and keeping a Dutch woman.

Now this post might upset some, and if as a result I’m grabbed by a group of angry Dutch women, and am taken to my own personal hell, the drie dwaze dagen sale at de Bijenkorf, and am forced to carry their bags while they scream at me “IK ZEG SKINNY JEANS, DIT IS EEN BOOTCUT JIJ IDIOOT.” I’ll say to my enemies, “no need to be so aggressive, I was just telling it like it is.”The things I do for my readers!

As Grandmaster Flash once said in the song White Lines, ‘don’t, don’t, don’t do it! Even after 10 years in the land of deep fried cuisine, I still can’t break the habit of opening doors for women.

The Shallow Man has even started a counselling group called ‘Dutch women survivors’ for expat men who have been shot down in flames when attempting to approach Dutch women.

My group also helps men who were in failed relationships with the most unapproachable women in Europe.

Even if a supposedly romantic evening is going well it is not unheard of for both parties to share the bill.

Perhaps I am old-fashioned but I cannot see or feel any expression of love or affection in this scenario.

Previously I provided some holiday season advice on dating Dutch women which many of my fellow expats appear to have ignored at their peril.This has changed the Dutch dating game in some respects as 'first dates' are moving to online dating platforms and social media.However, some facts in the Dutch dating game remain true regardless of where you meet new people in the Netherlands. I have 4 football players in the house and spend a lot of time at the pitch. I take care of the kids and also help in school with reading.

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